Optimal Experience

When we have all experienced times when, instead of being buffered by anonymous forces, we do feel in control of our actions, masters of our own fate. On the rare occasions that it happens, we feel a sense of exhilaration, a deep sense of enjoyment that is long cherished and that becomes a landmark in memory for what life should be like.

Contrary to what we usually believe, moments like these, the best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times—although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.

It is thus something that we make happen. For each person there are thousands of opportunities, challenges to expand ourselves. Such experiences are not necessarily pleasant at the time they occur.

Getting control of life is never easy, and sometimes it can be definitely painful. But in the long run, optimal experiences add up to a sense of mastery, or perhaps better; a sense of participation in determining the content of life; that comes as close to what is usually meant by happiness as anything else we can conceivably imagine.

Am I going through these experiences?
Am I gonna get the optimal experience?
I think I do, I am, I will.
I am now assured.
The question is, am I gonna be able to handle this?
That, I am certain, that I am not assured.

(Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi)


When words fail

Do we need more vocabulary? Verbal, non verbal, is there in between those two?

It is arguable that we are at a loss for words, there is nothing in the language, adequate to describe how empowering it is to face what we are facing, or our uncertainty about the future may be. As indicated by Glenn Albrecht; Naming is powerful. It gives a shape, substance, and legitimacy to the things we experience.

When words fail, what should we say verbally? When actions fail, what are the precautions?

Should we then invent new words to create new actions?
Should we create new actions to invent new words?


Less thinking equal more assuming
Minus thoughts equal plus assumptions
Which one’s better?

And they say we must stop thinking
That means thinking what we think we suppose to think
Assuming things
If I do so, then what are we?
Doesn’t anything supposed to be spontaneous?
Maybe the concept of thinking is not thinking in a way a dictionary would say
Thinking is spontaneous, gives the itch, adrenaline
Keeps us alive

Don’t argue this, not trying to point anything
Not trying to prove anything to anyone

People are shaped through their minds
And they say we shouldn’t change a thing

Is it just me or are we in an era where mankind remain unfulfilled?
Always wanting more than he can have?
Is it human nature?

It is all in the state of mind
And if the mind is jailed, then what now?

And they say true knowledge exists in knowing that we know nothing
See, the point is when we know nothing we are forced to think what is that we don’t know?

Tell me, do you think this is anomaly?
In theories, everything should be better in a state of normal
Then again, define normal??

Am I getting the wrong assumption here?
Am I getting the wrong perception here?

Everything is best to keep it simplified
Wait, is it in theories?
Wait, don’t they say to stop thinking based on theories?

It’s been this way forever
But nothing can’t last forever

It’s just all over the place. I’m doomed.
I’m sick of getting my hopes up for nothing


Have we forgotten what we have been fighting for?

When you heard about the term “green” or “sustainable” or “environment”, or “environmentally friendly”, what pops up in your mind?. Some people say climate change, some reducing pollution, some will say energy efficiency, some will say just other shitty crappy words, none of their business.  

Mine is nature. Balance between nature and humanity. Balance between the living and the non living. Balance between positive and negative energy. It might sound weird, but it’s perfectly make sense for me.

The term itself has a gigantic scope. It involves all aspects from technical issues, social issues, human, animal, economy, political, religion, any kind. Aspects which have always been debated for years. It all comes in one circle. Have you heard about green economy? Sustainable community? Green politics? Maybe it’s just another term, a movement, a trend, but look beyond that. Why do certain people keep connecting it with those words? I think it’s because like it or not, we are dealing with the nation where everything has become ironic, connected, crashed. And yes, environmental has become an emerging issue.

How so? Well, it is time.

For instance, restoring forests and planting trees on farms can greatly improve food security, and then improve nation economic stability, political steadiness, reaching a sustainable community, so everyone’s happy. What I found is that the trend now is business sectors are in call for actions to support MDGs. MDGs is not made as a formality actions; it is a declaration for every nation. Note that. Take that seriously. People oftenly mistaken; messed with the statistical matters, on how many percent is our country has been able to achieve a certain target of MDGs?

What are the movements saying to us anyway? Some people are just still looking for the money, power, fame, targeted market; which those valued only because they expect that it will make them profitable, a better community. But do they? Using the terms for other expectations. Another reason. Caught up with the targets, the goals, but what actually we have done in reality? Have we done enough? Nothing much I suppose. There have been too many distractions.

When are we going to get over the idea that those terms are just a trend? When are we going to get over the idea that those terms are just said by scientists? When are we going to get over the idea that those movements are just being spoken by crazy environmental activists? It is how we respond to those issues that determine whether we will profit from the movements or be caught up by a nonsense debate. Such a Waste of time.

There’s no difficulty we cannot overcome if we work together, have a specific line between what we want, what we need, what is obligated, what has to be achieved, and what has to be targeted. Think global. Do not act because you think it is necessary. Do not act because you think if you do not do that damaging things will happen. Rather, act because you believe that greater things will come if you do so. Act because you think it is the best and right thing to do. Think and see differently, from a total different point of view, outside the result, beyond the reason.

It may seems hard, impossible, but why not? Words are just words if there are no actions. Nature and humanity cannot be separated.


Green Interior Space; a Management Perspective

When many people think that green building can only be applied to luxurious, large, high-rise buildings; Green Building Council Indonesia developed and introduced assessment tools for Interior Space (IS); where one of its main purpose is to assess its fit out activities, to make sure the implementations are environmentally friendly, from the floor, walls, ceilings, mechanical and electrical, using resources efficiently, minimizing environmental impact, and prioritize the user health and comfort. A room designed with attention to health and comfort of its users will generate a response in the form of positive behaviour, and will affect towards increased users’ productivity. For new buildings, the assessments are heavily dotted to the building owners and architects, whilst for IS, hold by the management of users and interior designers. Though the scope can be told minimum; the overall evaluation categories remains the same, departing from site selection, energy use, water, materials, indoor health, to the management issues; which should also being concerned.

People often pay less attention to the management viewpoint, seeing that the scale of IS’s activities are not as big as “unabridged building”, so the perception is that one activity inside a room will not bounce too much collision. This is unfortunate. No matter how small a space is, it remains a part of a building. The entire activity of the user will determine the success or failure of green building concept implementation itself. This factor greatly influenced by the factor of human involvement as one resource that plays a valuable role in the sustainability of a green building; for example, the user management who holds responsibility in the management of a room(s). Everything has to be considered from the design to the operational phase, including construction activity to development of training concept for employees as occupants (in, case). This means active and sustainable environmental education. Not to neglect the system for organization's management used to develop and implement environmental policy and manage its environmental aspects. Though it might be just only for a minor scale; still it will largely determine the sustainability of the space or room functions.

A need for cooperation between the acoustic and landscape experts, user management, interior designer, contractor, electrical mechanical technician, suppliers, and also occupants; are essential. It takes a good coordination over just between parties such as contractors and interior designers to gather information and decide every detail of planning and construction of IS, so as to produce an environmentally friendly design without compromising the aesthetics and comfort of its users, and also continue to consider ideas, concepts, and criteria established by the project owners and designers as outlined in the design intent. By the end of the day, the space or room(s) will have a long life cycle, reduced operational costs, and function optimally.

This is (n't) non sense

The more I want to keep things simple, the more they are (seriously) creeping my nerves out. Which part could possibly go wrong?
That may, or can be, done, happen, hypothetically feasible.
Now, then.
It might feel unlikely possible. Nevertheless impossible; yet worthy; then seems logical; then comes, subsequently, the feeling when it feels just right.
Shaped perfectly. Dead-on.
Unsuitably right.
It might feel feasibly unthinkable, may be exist, be true. Improbable. Hopeful. Doomed.

Vision or mission impossible?
What are the chances?
The odds?

It might appear as if I am slightly crazy, as if I my brain only functions on particular issues.
My brain has to take a break. Those thoughts have to be captivated. Or freed?
Why is everything has to be so ironic?
So vanilla.
I am not complaining, I am just writing.
I say what I want to say.
Some things are better off don’t say. Hushed.
I give exactly what I am given.
Not blaming anything, anyone, nor myself.
Learning to cope with the state when one of those moments comes. Those shitty moments.
Like now.
Intensely annoying.
Don’t know how to react, fight back.
Never get it right.
Where is the privilege?
What is the justification?
Dear universe, please give me your hopes, faith, luck and love.
Need more than just possibilities.
Chuck out those shadows.

Ignore me, and I’ll leave you.



Yin and Yang

Women will say: “It’s the cheese, but it’s not the cheese” Then Men will say: “What the hell do you want Woman?” Truth is, it is an interesting question for us also, since mostly we, Women, do not know what we want. We hate drama, but the fact is Women create drama, like it or not. It’s just like a never ending story between Woman and her craziness, and the art of a silent Man, or An inconsistent Woman, and a confused Man—funnily quoted by J.Morris & Jenny Lee (who I found truly amazing, they are partners and they wrote this ridiculously intrigued book about Men and Women!—Women are crazy, and Men are stupid)

So what is the gap? Is it the gender equality factor? Is it because  Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars? (never read this book though). Orrr… as they say that Women tend to use their feelings rather their logic; whilst Men mainly use their logic. I don’t necessarily agree with this. Men do cry, and Women do think and use their rationality often (too often in my case, haha). Though I gotta admit that Women well..maybe cry a little bit more frequently and quite easy, sometimes habitually. Okay, we do cry effortlessly. Even just by seeing a part of movie act, such as Titanic (call me cheesy, but I cried like a baby), or a song lyric (moved by Secret Garden-Bruce Springstein’s). There are moments when feelings beat logic, or logic beats feelings. It works both ways, so I think no need to argue about this particular signify.

Then why we don’t have a book called “Man who love too much?”, yet we have, lots of books about “Women who give too much”, or “Women who love too much”, --you name it. Probably because Women are not afraid to express their feelings. There again, back to the “sensitive” part again, when Women cry a bit easier than Men (okay, a lot easier). Perhaps it is also the “motherhood” sense that God gave Women, where Women have to be able to cope with all the phase of motherhood, from giving birth, to raising the child. I’ve always been curious of what it will be like to give a birth to my own blood. The father’s job is to take care of his family, to guard his family. So do Men to Women. It is their job to protect us, guide us. It’s not that we are not capable to take care of ourselves, but we do need someone to be our pilot. That is God’s will. Men are physically stronger than Women (scientifically proven), so enough said. But the tricky part is when Women start to feel too comfort, too secure; then there goes the part when Women can be terrified of being abandoned, then.. Women will do anything to keep the relationship from dissolving, and Women will be addicted to emotional issues, unfortunately. (this is not scientifically proven, but 100% true, “the need-to be needed factor”).

I am not saying that Women and Men have the same feelings, or so. If that so, then why God create us to be a pair? To match each other? It is the Yin and Yang factor, I think. Doesn’t matter which one is the black one, or the white one. It’s just a colour to differentiate. It’s how we know, able, and successfully understand about her-or-him. We live to compromise, we have to compromise. No need to debate about the gender. Even “non-straight” people still, do have issues. So, compromise, accept the circumstances. We all have our own concerns.

We are all, every one of us, full of horror.
If you are getting married to make yours go away, you will only succeed in marrying your horror to someone else’s horror.
Your two horrors will have the marriage; you will bleed and call that love
-Michael Ventura “Shadow Dancing in the Marriage Zone”

A real Superman is not afraid to stand next to a Superwoman!, and together they’ll stroke the world. Though I am not a Superwoman, but I want to be a Superwoman to my family, one day J (ngayal)


Talking to myself

I over analyzed things, every single things
Speed and caught with my own thoughts
Whizz through my history

I crammed with good musics
Amazing concerts
Crazy local bars
Absurd books
Inspiring people
Ice creams
Horror movies
Friends series

I hate to fly, but I’m deeply in love with airports
I get sea-sick easily, but I’m freakin’ly in love with beach and the sea
I hate heights, but I wish I can stay at the top of the cloud
As I was a child, I don’t want to be like my Mom,but I'm exactly like her
I have a personal confidence issue, yet I want to be a teacher
My communication sucks, but I kept saying that communication is the key to everything
I get bored easily, but my favourite place is library and a class listening to a teacher
At times I have insomnia, but I sleep easily. too easy
Sometimes I’m a million colours, sometimes I’m black and white
I’m not girly-type of woman. I don’t have make up. But my third fav colour is pink
I don’t like to be noticed, but I want to be different
I’m careless, reckless, but I’d do anything to my loved ones. Anything

Anything can boost me up randomly, even just by looking at a cover of a book
Even the unthinkable one
I want to be a scientist; I don’t know if I am one or is it just me being fake?
I filled with self-belief, haunted by self-doubt
I know exactly what I want to be, I don’t know what I want to do the next hour
I don’t care about people, but I would never wound someone’s feelings, no matter how downright aggressive they might be
I tend to over react, but mostly I am as quite as it can be
I like to be by myself, I hate to be alone
I don’t want to talk about marriage, yet I can’t stop picturing myself playing cats with my kids
Drinking beers with my husband at the couch watching friends until the dvd player blows up
Hate to cook, can’t cook, but have an idea of making the best dish ever to my family

I just want to take daring leaps, inspiring another people

My ultimate dreams are:
To be the a researcher of the unthinkable one, to make a difference, something I can give to the environment
To travel around the world
To see all big music festivals around the world, just to feel the euphoria, I don’t care about the type of music they’re playing
To have a petshop
To be a perfect Mom to my kids (if there is a term “perfect Mom”, well at least close to-)
To be a best friend, a wife, girlfriend to my husband
Make my parents proud, just by successfully being myself

This is hard, no?
Wait, this is not a dream, this is what I want to do
Wait, is it?
See, here I go again making no sense

U think this is my insecurity?
U think this is pitiful?
I think it’s called human
This is just me being myself

I've got all the answers
I've got nothing figured out
When I thought I know about everything
I don’t know shit about a thing

Sometimes I'm not sure who I am
But who is?

Enlight me

--Please don't like me less