The Loss of a Nation

I remember when I was in elementary school, how we used to study and remembering all of our heroin, histories, Pancasila and Bhineka Tunggal Ika  as our National concept. It is sad now I even can’t remember most of it. I think this is because it somehow just vanishes within our era. Era of technology, a revolution of media, political chaotic.

I was very amazed when I read the history of gender colonialism in Dutch history. Kartini is one good example on how we should fight for our beliefs. Her writing clearly demonstrates liberated visions on gender equality, and women specifically, to have a better access towards education. Such vision was shown in one of her letter “We are not giving battle to men, but to old moss-grown addicts and conventions that are not worthy…”

Talking about education, former vice president Moh Hatta once stated that our challenge after 25years of independence is: How to adjust the education for children, youth, and the people, to meet the country's development needs?. Even when I saw demonstrations, it just felt wrong somehow. People began to question, what are they looking for exactly? Justice? Truth? Freedom of speech? The collateral damages are not worth the efforts. This is just my personal point of view.

We are losing our National identity. Students are talking about social networks; people are talking about money, politics, and position. Girls and young women are arguing about what is the next fashion trend going to be like. Men are worrying about their personal egoistic achievement. Yes, it is true the world is evolving. But we do still need our principles, right?  Otherwise we’ll get lost within our loss.

Maybe we forgot, or even we do not know, that We, ARE the future leaders.

It is our call, to re-shape, and find our lost nation.

Every one of Us is contributing. No exception.

As spelled out by Prof Emil Salim: “What is black is black; white is white; say it as it is..”

Faith

I believe there is nothing we cannot achieve if we truly have faith in them.

Faith. Not goals, targets, or whatever which tend to lead towards misinterpretation to something we “have” to achieve.

Even if I want to change the world, I believe I can.

Most of the time I get the cynical expressions. A lot. The question of why(s) arise.

Then I answer, why wouldn’t I?

If not now, when?

Now is always the perfect timing.

If not me, who would?

(now, “me” here, is not “me”—only. It refers to every human being)

Then, the hardest part comes.

Its when I get the question from myself: “Who do you think you are to have such thoughts? Such dreams? Such visions?”

Then I answer, shut the f*** up, who do you think you are?

I have a faith. Why should I worry?

And why, should I not feel grateful for what I have? For life?

Everyday should feel like a bliss. Not should, but everyday is a bliss.

I don’t care if this is self-proclaimed or whatever. I know I’m feeling better. I know I’m getting better. I am certain I am getting somewhere.

I am getting to know myself, a little more better. 

That’s what matters the most. 

Alice in Wonderland

Time is truly just a mind-trip. Fragment of imagination.

Do you dare to be in that trip?

We are the time. We create the clock, not the time.

Clock is calculable, manageable. Time does not.

I cannot feel the time, not because it flies, nor it cannot be bought.

It’s just something that feels so eternal I wouldn’t dare to think, nor feel.

Time doesn’t stop. Clock stops eventually.

To create anything, to change anything, just don’t think about the time.

Let the days, months, years, decades, speak for themselves.

Which world am I living exactly?

Feels like I’m living in an imagination, just like Alice in Wonderland.

I think I’m in virtual reality, surreal, unreal, so real, whatever.

So far out to the sea

Now I understand, how it truly feels to read this sentence: “If I can be absolutely comfortable with not knowing who I am, then what's left in me is who I am – the Being behind the human, a field of pure potentiality other than something that is already defined.”— For somehow, I feel enlightened, when I (finally) (literally) realize and know, nothing that I surely know.  

Zero.  

None.

Zilch.

Does it matter? I don’t think so. Because I don’t (literally) feel that this is a problem.

I think it’s okay.

Besides, what are we beyond our name and form? We belong to the Universe, to the earth; while they do not belong to us. We are just tiny, tiny matters compared to the Universe.

Now I (literally) understand, what this concept actually means: “We are just borrowing the earth from our children, and grandchildren, and great great grandchildren, and so on… and so they have their part too towards their children.. and the circle continues..” It is not because we want them to have the safest place to live in, that is just selfish thought (I think)-- but in fact, this place doesn’t belong to us. Though we belong to this place, but when we die, so is our form (I’m not going to talk about our souls, since I decided not to think about something that I absolutely do not know); and we will die eventually..

I am not thinking about the past

I am not thinking for the future that has not yet come

I am not thinking for short terms

I am not thinking for long terms

I am not thinking what I cannot think

I am not thinking what I do not know

I am thinking beyond, and behind my thoughts.

I am just observing.

I am thinking, to learn, not to raise another question; which I know, I won’t have the answer.

It’s like Zodiacs; to think of it as beyond psychology, beliefs, genetically matters, and history of human kind. Just to grasp the ideas.

Fascinating, really.

Now, wake up.

Unlearn to Learn

The perfection of our every “issue” is beyond our comprehension. The territory behind us and the challenges at hand were precisely crafted to deliver the wisdom and insights that will make possible the life of our dreams. 

Understand what troubles us.

We didn’t come here to face hurdle after hurdle after hurdle. One hundred years from now, it will not matter what our job was, what our degree was, or what kind of car we drove.

We are not our emotions, they are recycled energy.

I am not my emotions.

We are not our thoughts, they are recycled information.

I am not my thoughts.

Pattern of brainwaves create our thoughts, feelings and desires.

I am not living in the mind.

The mind is in me.

I am the mind.

Thoughts DO NOT become things.

So little can yield so much. A new perspective, an admission, a surrender to truth—however painful—changes everything.

Oh, wt*, go for it anyway.

This is (n't) non sense

The more I want to keep things simple, the more they are (seriously) creeping my nerves out. Which part could possibly go wrong?

That may, or can be, done, happen, hypothetically feasible.

Now, then.

It might feel unlikely possible. Nevertheless impossible; yet worthy; then seems logical; then comes, subsequently, the feeling when it feels just right.

Shaped perfectly. Dead-on.

Unsuitably right.

It might feel feasibly unthinkable, may be exist, be true. Improbable. Hopeful. Doomed.

Vision or mission impossible?

What are the chances?

The odds?

It might appear as if I am slightly crazy, as if I my brain only functions on particular issues.

My brain has to take a break. Those thoughts have to be captivated. Or freed?

Peculiar.

Why is everything has to be so ironic?

So vanilla.

I am not complaining, I am just writing.

I say what I want to say.

Some things are better off don’t say. Hushed.

I give exactly what I am given.

Not blaming anything, anyone, nor myself.

Learning to cope with the state when one of those moments comes. Those shitty moments.

Like now.

Intensely annoying.

Don’t know how to react, fight back.

Never get it right.

Where is the privilege?

What is the justification?

Dear universe, please give me your hopes, faith, luck and love.

Need more than just possibilities.

Chuck out those shadows.

Ignore me, and I’ll leave you.

Do(n’t).

Talking to myself

I over analyzed things, every single things

Speed and caught with my own thoughts

Whizz through my history

I crammed with good musics

Amazing concerts

Crazy local bars

Absurd books

Inspiring people

Comics

Cats

Pizza

Ice creams

Horror movies

Mimco

Friends series


I hate to fly, but I’m deeply in love with airports

I get sea-sick easily, but I’m freakin’ly in love with beach and the sea

I hate heights, but I wish I can stay at the top of the cloud

As I was a child, I don’t want to be like my Mom,but I'm exactly like her

I have a personal confidence issue, yet I want to be a teacher

My communication sucks, but I kept saying that communication is the key to everything

I get bored easily, but my favourite place is library and a class listening to a teacher

At times I have insomnia, but I sleep easily. too easy

Sometimes I’m a million colours, sometimes I’m black and white

I’m not girly-type of woman. I don’t have make up. But my third fav colour is pink

I don’t like to be noticed, but I want to be different

I’m careless, reckless, but I’d do anything to my loved ones. Anything

Anything can boost me up randomly, even just by looking at a cover of a book

Even the unthinkable one

I want to be a scientist; I don’t know if I am one or is it just me being fake?

I filled with self-belief, haunted by self-doubt

I know exactly what I want to be, I don’t know what I want to do the next hour

I don’t care about people, but I would never wound someone’s feelings, no matter how downright aggressive they might be

I tend to over react, but mostly I am as quite as it can be

I like to be by myself, I hate to be alone

I don’t want to talk about marriage, yet I can’t stop picturing myself playing cats with my kids

Drinking beers with my husband at the couch watching friends until the dvd player blows up

Hate to cook, can’t cook, but have an idea of making the best dish ever to my family

I just want to take daring leaps, inspiring another people

My ultimate dreams are:

To be the a researcher of the unthinkable one, to make a difference, something I can give to the environment

To travel around the world

To see all big music festivals around the world, just to feel the euphoria, I don’t care about the type of music they’re playing

To have a petshop

To be a perfect Mom to my kids (if there is a term “perfect Mom”, well at least close to-)

To be a best friend, a wife, girlfriend to my husband

Make my parents proud, just by successfully being myself

This is hard, no?

Wait, this is not a dream, this is what I want to do

Wait, is it?

See, here I go again making no sense

U think this is my insecurity?

U think this is pitiful?

No

I think it’s called human

This is just me being myself

I've got all the answers

I've got nothing figured out

When I thought I know about everything

I don’t know shit about a thing

Sometimes I'm not sure who I am

But who is?

Enlight me

--Please don't like me less